The 25th of October marks my one year anniversary in Colorado. I want to do something big.
I got this hat for .50¢ and it makes me look like a South Park character and I thought it fitting that I wear it today.
On the way down from Guanella Pass I stopped here and ate dinner and then driving through Georgetown, something about the sun setting behind the mountains and the fall foliage…I just had a feeling reminiscent of my childhood. Today was beautiful. I didn’t want to come out of the mountains. I’ve got to work on my mind while hiking though..my body is fine with the elevation and distance and whatnot but my mind..it is my worst enemy when doing anything strenuous.
Writing is good for me.
I drank some scotch and part of me wishes I wasn’t alone but the other part of me is like if I wasn’t alone then would I be sitting on my floor with a golden horse laughing at the fact that I’m wearing a dress with horses on it and taking pictures of what is essentially is horse on horse. On horse. And there’s jazz. Although it’s a bit too upbeat for two am. Also, I’m 24 and I’m wearing a dress with horses on it.
I miss all of my wonderful friends from ohio. Build me up buttercup will always remind me of countless nights of hearing New Vancouver cover it in various bars around my home town, dancing and singing along with the ladies that helped me become the woman I am today..I absolutely love and adore you all, even though I don’t keep in touch as much as I wish. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Other than, come explore with me.
I want these memories in my new home. I want songs and bars and restaurant memories. I want to not work 45 hours every week and I want to see friends before and after work and not feel like my life revolves around money. I am slowly slowly slowly making friends out here. I don’t have a lot of friends..but the ones I do have I am incredibly close with. Im very happy with how my new life has progressed…I feel like I needed the solitude that I experienced when I came out here. Or the long distance relationship to complete solitude I experienced. I cannot help but smile and be incredibly proud of the person I have become. I still have a lot of shit to work through in every aspect of my life, but I will never know myself more than I do now..than I have this year. And this is just the start. But this awakening. Wow. To my self. To nature. To the earth, and life, and death. The slow slow slow humbling acceptance of not existing one day. I will never settle for anything less than what makes me happy.
I used to think that I made a mistake by moving out here. There was a point where I was asking myself, what the fuck did you do. I wanted so much for myself, for my existence, by leaving what I knew behind. I wanted to explore my soul. I brought a lot of baggage out here with me and it took me a good number of months to reflect on why I do what I do and why I experience things the way I do. But that was what I wanted more than anything, to experience myself in a completely unfamiliar environment. You learn a lot about yourself that way. I lived in a different country for four months, but this. This was, and still is, the hardest thing I have ever done. But my god I have learned so much. I am so so so thankful. I’m thankful for the nights I’ve spent crying, for the nights of complete defeat, for the nights of finding happiness in the simplicity of life..for the hard things that have become easy, for the amount of time I have spent learning and gauging my own reaction and feelings towards experiences. My life feels very vast right now. My past seems as though it was ages ago, a different lifetime. There was a time where I was listening to this exact same song in a different environment, in a different state of mind, where I never imagined that I would exist where I do now. But I am here. Here now. And I am all the time learning and changing and growing. And thankful.