People get drunk
They hook up with the wrong person
And pretend to be okay
People act tough
And get mad
People will do anything to distract their heart.
They will do anything to distract it from missing someone.
Help me. My best friend is coming to visit this weekend. I don’t know where to take him or what to show him or what to do. Help.
I wish I wasn’t filled with so much self loathing and hate. And so much blame. And resentment for decisions I’ve made in my life. I’m thankful for who I am, for these moments, moments when I can realize this and reflect on parts of who I am, but half of me is filled with regret. Even though I will never regret anything. I can’t help but hate some parts of myself. Pieces of who I am and what makes me me.
And I want to blame so much of it on him. I don’t want to take responsibility for turning out this way because if this isn’t the result of years of torture, then I’m even more fucked up then I know. I want to hate him and blame him for never telling me I am beautiful, for never making me feel beautiful. On good days I tell myself that he did it so I wouldn’t leave him, because I’m a strong person and telling me that I’m a good person, inside and out, would possibly have made me realize how fucked up our relationship was.
But since we’ve been apart I’ve realized so many things. Love isn’t buying someone material things. That will never prove your love, in the end, that doesn’t mean shit. Love is getting someone a glass of water at 3am when it’s freezing and your loved one is dehydrated and thirsty but doesn’t want to get out of the warmth of the bed. Love is in words and actions. In never making them feel bad, in always taking the high road and in having respect for their feelings, even if you’re having a disagreement. If someone loves you, they won’t sit there and tell you that you never loved them. Love isn’t selfish and love isn’t someone telling you that you are, and that you don’t care. Love isn’t turning your friends against you or you against your friends. Love isn’t using every mistake you’ve ever made against you.
And I know I am so young and still learning, but I’ve learned to hate another thing about myself. That the second someone treats me decently, I think it’s love. Even at the platonic level. Because in comparison they are treating me great. And one day I’m going to learn a lesson from all of this. All of this shit happening right now. I just want it to be as painless as possible.
Being in a long distance relationship.
The worst thing about being in a long distance relationship is the absence of physical connection. We are humans, and as humans we are longing to be touched, to be hugged, to be kissed. But since people who are in this kind of relationship are separated by distance, they cannot do what a normal couple does. Sure, they can talk on the phone and through the internet, but somehow that is not enough. They can hear each other’s voices, they can see each other via Skype but there are no physical things involved. No holding hands. No cuddling during the cold weathers. No make-up kisses, no forehead kisses, no cheek kisses. Kissing the computer screen I guess can’t be consider as one. No surprise hugs, no hugs from behind, no spinning hugs. Hugging their pillow pretending that it’s him/her is the only thing they can do. And when he’s going through a really tough situation, as much as you wanted to comfort him personally and rub your hands on his back and give him a hug, you just can’t. The only thing you can do is to use comforting words and tell him that everything will be alright. If only hugs and kisses could be felt through the internet, then at least you can form some physical connection with him. Even if we say that relationships are not just about the physical stuff, still it’s an ingredient of a long, lasting relationship. Too bad, the only thing they can do is to wait for that moment when they can finally see each other personally, when they can actually kiss, hug and touch each other in person. Waiting for that day requires patience. Fuck, distance ruin beautiful things.